These Humans are Space Orcs
by UltimatePotatoQueen
Summary: Coran and Allura start observing their paladins. They're surprised at how strange humans are, and Coran decides to jot all this down, for science!
1. Tight Spaces and Throwing

Coran hummed lightly as he investigated a blocked pipe. It was just a hair too small for him to fit his shoulders through, meaning he couldn't get in and see what the blockage was. Lance happened to be passing by.

"Hey, Coran Coran the gorgeous man," the human winked. "Whatcha up to?" Coran grinned in return.

"Well, my boy, this vent's blocked up and I can't get into it. My shoulders are too broad," the Altean responded. Lance hummed as he walked over to peer into the vent. He stood for a second before moving a couple of steps back. The human grinned and raced at the vent, diving through.

"So… what am I looking for?" he finally asked. His feet were handing out of the entrance, with the rest of him all the way in.

"Anything blocking the passage," Coran responded after a moment of staring. "Here's a light." He started to stick a flashlight, or the Altean equivalent, through the vent, but Lance was already wiggling his way through. Coran stared in surprise as the human completely vanished in the dark. At least Alteans had their glowing marks on their faces, but humans didn't even have the best night vision in the universe. In fact, the Galra were pretty high up. His thoughts were interrupted as Lance clambered out of the vent, racing to hide behind Coran.

"Yeah, I found the blockage," he wheezed.

"Well? What was it?" Coran asked impatiently.

"Pidge has some kind of tech-camp in there," he replied. "It's terrible. Also Pidge chased me. They're zippy fast, and it's actually scary."

"Does Pidge normally hole up in vents?" the Altean wondered.

"I think that some people just like the tight spaces. I'm more of a swimmer myself," Lance answered. Coran stared.

"Swimming?" he asked. "You mean in dihydrogen monoxide? Most species melt in it!" Lance chuckled.

"I'd talk to Pidge or Shiro about that, I'm not really any kind of biology expert," the human replied, grinning. "Anyways, if that's all, just ask Pidge to move or something. It won't be too much of an issue for them." He started to walk off.

"Well, thank you," Coran finally managed to say. He had to go write this down so the rest of the universe knew more about humans!

* * *

Keith quietly tossed his dagger from hand to hand. Shiro was reading from a pamphlet next to him as Allura walked in.

"Oh, Keith! I didn't know you were trained in throwing daggers," she smiled. "That's wonderful! You know, throwing is something I never quite got the hang of." The red paladin stared at her in surprise.

"I'm not trained in throwing daggers. That does sound like something I should do though," he mused. Shiro crumpled up the pamphlet and chucked it at the waste bin in the room.

"Kobe!" he joked as the paper landed inside it. Allura stared at him.

"Are you trained in throwing objects?" she asked him. Shiro paused to think.

"Not really," he admitted. "Most humans can throw pretty well." The princess gave him a surprised look.

"But I've never heard of a species throwing so accurately without extensive training," she stated. "Coran can throw well, but he was trained for several deca-phoebs." Shiro shrugged.

"Kids have lots of games where we throw things. Dodgeball, baseball, basketball, kickball, soccer, football…" Shiro hummed.

"Soccer? Really?" Keith asked skeptically.

"The goalie," the black paladin pointed out. Keith nodded in realization.

"Are all human children trained in such ways?" Allura questioned.

"Most play games, yeah," Shiro nodded. "It's fun for them, and helps keep them healthier." Allura hummed in thought as she walked out of the room. She had never heard of any species that was naturally adept in throwing. Every being she had ever met had extensive training to allow them to throw large objects with enough accuracy to hit a very large target. But Shiro had casually thrown the paper into the waste bin without even properly aiming. Perhaps she needed to investigate this phenomenon more.

The next morning, Allura woke the paladins for training. "Today," she announced once they were gathered, "we are testing how well you can throw. Shiro has helped me set up a few of your 'games'. One by one, we will determine how much practice is needed." Lance and Hunk stared at each other before grinning.

"Dude, basketball!" Lance whooped.

"Oh, you're going down!" Hunk challenged. The two bolted for the ball and hoops Allura had set up.

"Wait! You need protective gear!" Allura called.

"It's just a friendly game," Hunk told her. "We'll be fine. Now, prepare to eat dirt, Lance!" He charged the taller paladin, swiping the ball and shooting for a hoop. It hit the backboard and bounced off. Lance darted to the ball, throwing it casually at his hoop.

"Score!" Pidge cheered. "Or is it goal?" Lance shrugged.

"Doesn't matter to me," he grinned, trying to snag the ball out of Hunk's grasp. The shorter paladin was using his broad back to keep Lance at bay. Keith walked up to Pidge casually.

"So, it looks like there's two of us and two of them," he stated.

"Yeah?" Pidge agreed, curious.

"And there's some foam balls over there," the red paladin smirked. Pidge grinned evilly.

"You don't mean?" they snickered.

"Oh, yeah," Keith grinned. The two grabbed armloads of the foam balls.

"DODGEBALL!" they shouted, throwing them rapidly at Lance and Hunk.

"Every man for himself!" Hunk bellowed, snagging two out of the air. He used the two to catch a third that was coming for his face. In the same motion, the Samoan hurled all three back at Keith and Pidge. Shiro was content to just stand by and watch until Pidge nailed him in the face. At that point, the battle froze as they waited for the reaction.

"Oh, that does it," Shiro rumbled. "You all are so dead!" He charged into the fight, slinging dodgeballs with both arms. Allura watched as her carefully planned exercise dove into chaos. On the bright side, now she knew her paladins were capable of throwing much more accurately than she had ever imagined. Perhaps she could figure out a way for them to hone their abilities even more, or find out what else humans were capable of. Speaking of which, wasn't Coran starting a book or something? She should let him know about throwing.

 _Coran's Guide to Understanding Your Humans_

 _1\. Some humans enjoy tight spaces. Warning: these humans are often willing to attack if you invade._

 _2\. Humans are naturally adept at throwing. Many of their games involve tossing balls and either catching them, or kicking them._

 **So this is a fun little story about the Alteans finding out their humans are very strange. If there's a prompt you want to see, feel free to suggest it ^^**

 **This is my first story, so sorry if it's not great. I'm trying to do good. Please tell me what you think :D**

 **Edit: Fixed the page breaks so now, the story should read more smoothly**


	2. Imitation and Climbing

Lance snickered as he listened to Hunk humming in the kitchen. He slunk closer slowly before opening his mouth and letting out some noise he had heard an alien make on the trade planet. Hunk screeched as he jumped.

"Lance!" he complained after he calmed down a bit. "Not funny! Do you even know what makes that noise?" Lance thought for a second.

"Some odd-looking alien dog-thing at the trading planet," he replied finally. "It was more high-pitched though." He repeated the noise in a slightly higher tone, frowning when he couldn't hit the pitch he wanted.

"Like this?" Hunk asked, attempting to make the noise himself. The two stood in the kitchen for a couple minutes before Allura and Coran raced in.

"I heard what sounds like a whole pack of Dresvardens!" Coran announced, raising his hands defensively. Lance stared at Coran in confusion.

"No, I was trying to imitate this alien dog thing I saw at the trade planet," Lance replied slowly. "And Hunk here was trying to do the same thing."

"But that sounded exactly like a Dresvarden," Allura scowled. "Are you certain you do not have a recording?" Lance shook his head.

"I heard it once," he answered. "And I've been trying to repeat the noise." Hunk nodded, attempting the noise again.

"Ooh, that was close!" Lance grinned. "A little slower though!" He and Hunk returned to imitating each other. Coran shook his head and turned to leave the room. Allura shot Lance and Hunk suspicious looks as she left.

Two days later, the paladins and Coran were exploring around a small island. The soil was a lilac shade, with the rocks being a navy blue. Interestingly, the plants were orange. It made for an interesting color combination.

"So what are we looking for?" Pidge asked, stepping over a protruding root. They made a face as they stepped into a patch of darker lilac mud. "This place reeks." Coran hummed as he bent down to grab a mushroom-looking flower off the ground.

"This island is supposed to have an extremely rare metal!" the Altean chirped. "It'll let us improve the defenses of the castle! And there might be some other resources to harvest. Dresvardens inhabit this island. They're nasty brutes that come up to about my shoulders. Most beings keep the young as pets before putting them in a big sanctuary. The young are collected and raised as pets again. The captive bred are tamer and smaller than the wild Dresvardens, but they're still nothing to sneeze at." Shiro frowned.

"Why didn't you tell us back on the ship?" he demanded. Coran opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by a loud growl. The Altean jumped and darted behind Lance and Hunk. He shoved them forward.

"Make the noise you've been making for the last two quintants!" he hissed under his breath. Confused, Lance and Hunk opened their mouths and let out the strange noise they'd been imitating for so long.

"Well, that could have gone better," Shiro grumbled. Coran shrugged.

"At least none of the Dresvardens attacked," he replied. "It was mostly the predators the sounds of two baby Dresvardens attracted. And the Dresvardens tried to help."

"Don't forget the magma pit that the metal was under," Keith grimaced.

"And the dolphins that lived in the magma," Pidge tacked on.

"Or those strange fish that Lance found," Hunk added.

"Fishy fishy~ Such a pretty fishy~" Lance cooed at the small red fish he was carrying. He was holding a crudely-fashioned bucket made from the metal they had collected. The metal bucket had some of the planet's green water in it.

"How do humans make so many noises?" Coran wondered. "You're almost like recording devices." When no one in the group answered, the Altean decided to just write down his discovery in the book.

* * *

Allura stood proudly in the training room. "This is an ancient device used to train paladins in climbing efficiently. All of you will be required to reach the top in less than five dobash." She waved her arm to indicate a large wall with several craters, indents, and protrusions. All told, it looked like a much scarier climbing wall.

"We have to climb _that_?" Hunk asked incredulously. Allura beamed.

"Yes! Climbing equipment is provided, and you may use your bayards at any point," she replied. Hunk quivered from nerves.

"I think I'm gonna hurl," he moaned, closing his eyes. Lance and Keith both smirked. Shiro glanced at the wall and looked away. Pidge groaned loudly in exasperation.

"Ready?" Allura asked. "Begin!" Shiro walked towards the wall, starting to pull himself up. Hunk followed slowly, tailed by Pidge. The two cautiously followed behind Shiro, with Pidge clinging to Hunk's back. After a couple moments, Lance and Keith nodded at each other, darting to the wall and shimmying up with ease. The two were perfectly tied as they reached the top, smirking down at the others. Even Shiro wasn't halfway up yet. Of course, the fact that the two had practically flown up was undeniable.

"How did you do that? You've beaten all the old records!" Allura exclaimed from the bottom. The two paladins snickered.

"Dude, I used to climb the cliffs at Veradero Beach all the time. Those things go upside down for a long ways," Lance revealed.

"And I had a lot of free time in the desert. I decided to teach myself how to climb the mesas out there," Keith shrugged. Shiro finally made it to the top, wheezing. Lance reached down to help haul him up. Thankfully, Keith joined him almost immediately. The two 'rivals' hauled the black paladin to the top before Lance crouched to wait for Hunk. Pidge seemed to get bored about a minute later, because they jumped off of Hunk's back and shot their bayard at an overhang, rocketing up.

As soon as they reached the top, they started flailing. Thankfully, Keith grabbed them out of the air and made sure their footing was stable. After another minute, Lance got bored of just waiting, because he started clambering all over the wall, even going so far as to flip while climbing. He was darting all around Hunk, throwing himself at opposite walls to grab on and scurry around. Keith raised an eyebrow at Lance's antics but didn't join in. Finally, Hunk made it to the top, wheezing and gasping for breath. Lance shot up after him.

"So, can some humans climb better than others?" Allura asked after checking the time. Lance grinned.

"Sure. Some people are more athletic, and some are more booksmart," he replied. "And everyone has their own strengths in their areas. For example, I'm a good swimmer and climber, I can cook, and I'm a great pilot."

"And people built like Hunk are usually stronger and better at wrestling than bodybuilders," Shiro added. "That's mostly muscle on him. It keeps him from tearing his organs open when he lifts or wrestles."

"So humans have different muscle builds?" Allura quizzed.

"Yep. Lean, bodybuilder, obese, wrestler, muscular," Shiro ticked off on his fingers on his prosthetic arm. "And that's just off the top of my head. Pidge is just average, as far as muscle goes. Lance and Keith are lean, Hunk's wrestler-"

"And Shiro's muscular," Lance interjected. "Lean people are usually faster, by the way." Allura shook her head, deciding to ask more about human builds later. She needed to tell Coran now.

 _Coran's Guide to Understanding Your Humans_

 _3\. Humans are amazing mimics, to the point where they can imitate anything they hear almost perfectly, provided the noise is in their vocal ranges._

 _4\. Most humans are excellent climbers. With practice, there is almost no obstacle they can't scale._

 _5\. Humans come in different builds. These builds have their own strengths and weaknesses._

 **Thank you all for your kind reviews! :D I've marked down all the amazing suggestions you've submitted and I plan to use them all. Feel free to keep adding more to the list, or leave your opinion on the story so far! ^^**


	3. FPS Games and Flexibility

"Guys! Pidge just translated another game!" Lance shouted, running into the main room of the castle. Hunk looked up in surprise.

"Which game?" he asked eagerly.

"Some kind of fps," Lance replied. "Come on, I wanna beat you already!" He darted out of the room as Hunk scrambled after him. Shiro shrugged, getting to his feet.

"I want to see how this plays out," he grinned in response to Keith's flat look.

"I'm curious, what's an fps?" Coran asked, already moving to the door. Shiro and Keith walked alongside him.

"Oh, it's a type of game where usually, two players go head-to-head and try to shoot the most enemies," the black paladin replied. "It's pretty entertaining to watch good players go at it. And since Lance and Hunk both have bayards that turn into guns, they should be interesting to watch." Coran grinned.

"Oh! It's a training simulation!" he exclaimed.

"Not quite," Keith corrected. "It's just a game. We don't even know what kind of controls Pidge rigged for it." Shiro nodded.

"Pretty logical thought, that they would rig up a gun-shaped controller," he argued. The three fell silent as they approached Pidge's room. Shiro jumped as Lance whooped suddenly.

"Pidge, this is great!" he cheered.

"Oh, you're so going down," Hunk snickered. Shiro stuck his head in the room, where Lance noticed him.

"Shiro, Pidge rigged this so our bayards work with the game! And your arm! And it's five-player!" the blue paladin exclaimed.

"How about you and Hunk try it first?" Shiro suggested. "Then, if it works well enough, we can all play it." Lance grinned even wider.

"Sure thing. Come on, Hunk, let's go!" The yellow paladin smirked, pulling out his bayard. The large cannon materialized as he aimed it at the computer screen. Lance grabbed his own bayard, stepping back a bit with his sniper rifle.

"Okay, remember," Pidge instructed, "No need to actually fire. This device will capture the motion of you pressing the trigger and make the game weapons fire instead." They adjusted their glasses and took a step back. "Ready? Begin!" Immediately, a wave of zombies popped up. Lance started sniping, often hitting multiple zombies with a single bullet. His points were racking up with headshots and combos.

Hunk, on the other hand, was firing defensively. He was getting points by large amounts of damage and his blasts' radius. The yellow paladin shrieked as he died, while Lance kept calmly sniping. The blue paladin was focused, ignoring the others who were watching him. At this point, even Keith was leaning forward with interest. Each time the hoard of simulated zombies got too close, Lance would swap his bayard to its laser rifle form and fire at the enemies, pushing them back. His streak ended when Allura walked in and surprised him.

"Why are you not training?" she demanded. Lance jumped and got killed by the hoard.

"Aww," he whined. "You made me die."

"What is this? It resembles an aiming simulation," Allura commented. "And are those humans?!" She recoiled from the screen.

"Kinda?" Lance replied. "They're zombies, which are dead humans that hunt down the living humans and eat their brains." Hunk nodded.

"And you have to destroy their head to kill them," the yellow paladin added.

"They shuffle around and are all like 'grrrr braaaaaaaaiiiiiiinsssssss'," Pidge piped in, shuffling in a zombie impersonation. Allura shrieked and jumped back.

"Although, some games do feature human targets and you have to kill off the enemies and leave civilians alive, but that's easier than the zombie games. They tend to offer better shelter for those," Shiro mused.

"You have games where you actively kill other members of your kind?" Allura asked in shock. "Why?"

"It's fun," Lance shrugged. "Fps games are always a hit."

"What is an fps game?" the princess asked suspiciously.

"First Person Shooter," Pidge immediately answered. "A game where you play as the main character and shoot or kill things usually." Allura turned paler and swiftly left the room. The paladins all watched for a moment before Pidge hit a button, starting the game for five players. After that, it was chaos as the paladins all tried to beat Lance's high score.

* * *

Coran blinked as Lance twisted his back and bent downwards until his hands touched the floor. From there, the paladin kicked lightly and moved to a handstand, where he brought his legs down behind his back and remained in that pose.

"Are you stuck, my boy?" Coran asked cautiously. "That can't be very comfortable." Lance blinked and rose to his feet properly. He turned around to face Coran.

"Nah, it's just yoga," he waved. "I've been able to do that for years. Watch this!" He bent backwards in order to grab his ankles. From there, he rolled backwards and unfolded to stand straight up again. He then launched into a series of complex maneuvers, twisting in ways that most people couldn't. "Pretty cool, huh?"

Coran stared. "Can all humans do that?" he finally asked. Lance shrugged.

"Not without a lot of practice or without being double-jointed," he replied. "Keith probably could, maybe Pidge, but Shiro's iffy and Hunk is a definite no." Coran nodded and walked off to go tell Allura. This might be useful.

Allura greeted the paladins as they walked into the training room the next morning.

"Today, we're going to work on your flexibility," she announced. "We have a series of ancient Alteam meditation poses. Your goal is to get through as many as you can." The walls lit up to display multiple poses. "There is no time limit, aside from when you are dismissed. Begin whenever you're ready."

Lance stretched and launched into the poses. Keith kept up with him easily. The two soon started taking their contest to the extreme. It ended when Keith crashed to the floor twitching pathetically. Lance cheered, toppling from his precariously balanced position to land next to Keith. The red and blue paladins started laughing at each other before looking at the others. Shiro looked like he was going to explode, Hunk was sprawled on the floor, and Pidge looked like a human pretzel. Allura finally ended the session out of pity for Shiro and Pidge, who was still contorted.

"Help!" they shouted. Shiro walked over and gently tugged on one of their legs, untangling them. They giggled.

"Today's session was interesting," Allura stated. "This data will help us determine individual training for later, after we've improved overall." She turned and left the room to go write down her observations.

* * *

 _Coran's Guide to Understanding Your Humans_

 _6\. Humans have games intended to train them in shooting other humans or species without mercy._

 _7\. Lanky humans tend to be more flexible/agile than the other builds._

 **You guys are awesome! Thank you for leaving so many great ideas! There's never enough though, so feel free to keep suggesting them or leaving your thoughts here :)**

 **Thank you as well to the 15 followers and 18 favorites of this story. When I started typing this, I thought I wouldn't get past five, like, ever, and in three days, we've blasted my expectations out of the water. I love writing this, and I hope you all love reading this! I'll see you all tomorrow! ^^**


	4. Sneezing, Temperatures, and Rage

Pidge crinkle their nose before sneezing three times rapidly. Lance cooed at them.

"Aww you sound like what you think a laser sounds like," he teased. Pidge snarled.

"I'll sneeze on your face," they threatened. Lance squeaked and retreated a few steps.

"Are you sure you don't have the flu or something?" Hunk asked. "Also you have total kitten sneezes no arguing it's totally true." Pidge growled at the two paladins.

"I don't have the flu. I bet it's just dust from all the cleaning," they replied. "You know how dusty some of these rooms are." Lance shrugged as he walked back over.

"If ya say so," he casually responded.

Dinner time was entertaining for all the paladins but Pidge. Mostly because the other humans were cooing over their kitten sneezes and sneezing themselves. Lance's sneezes were stifled and came in bursts of around ten or so, resulting in him shaking his head vigorously. Keith and Hunk were the least affected by anything. Shiro, on the other hand, was sneezing loud enough to 'alert the Galra', as Lance put it.

"I hardly see how a noise like that could tell the Galra where we are in space," Allura replied sarcastically. Lance sneezed again before replying.

"It's a saying from Earth kind of. Except we usually say 'loud enough to wake the dead'," the blue paladin stated. Allura paled.

"Does this have anything to do with your 'zombies'?" she asked faintly.

"Nah. It's just a saying," Lance answered. Allura settled and went back to her food, still not understanding how the humans found amusement in such odd noises.

* * *

For some reason, probably age and lack of use for so long, the castle's temperature system was malfunctioning. Alteans usually liked their surroundings mildy cool, but in some parts of the castle, there was ice, and in others, the rooms were hotter than desert planets. Coran scowled as he tried to figure out the issue. The rooms would have to be reset manually, but the temperatures meant there were several rooms he couldn't get into easily. Humans were odd, maybe the paladins could do it? If nothing else, their suits could help. With that thought in mind, he headed off to gather the five humans.

The first one he found was Lance, who looked miserable in his cooled room. The paladin was curled under every blanket he had been able to find. "I'm not moving from my warm nest unless you have a heater," Lance grunted, burrowing deeper. Coran frowned.

"These are bearable temperatures," he replied. "Do humans need warm weather?" Lance managed to wriggle even farther down, vanishing from sight.

"I don't know about the others, but I do. Right, Hunk?" he asked in a muffled voice.

"Me too," Hunk whined. Coran jumped in surprise.

"I didn't realize you two…" he trailed off as the two paladins started screeching in horror.

"NON O NO NO NO!" Lance shrieked.

"We're friends and cold!" Hunk whined. "Why does everyone think we're dating?" Lance sniffed.

"My apologies," Coran rushed. "I meant no offense, it's just. Most species only make nests when they're mated and I assumed humans were the same." Hunk stared vacantly. "At any rate, I have an issue. The temperature modulators are malfunctioning and many of the rooms are experiencing terrible temperature fluctuations. I was hoping you paladins could assist. The rooms are all either too hot or too cold for me to get to the controls. They need to be reset." Lance perked up.

"Warm rooms?" he grinned. "I can help!"

"Me too!" Hunk agreed. They jumped out of the pile of blankets eagerly. Coran blinked and lead the way to the control room, the only stable room in the castle.

"We need the other paladins," he explained as he pressed the alarm button. Shiro, Keith, and Pidge walked in. The Alten quickly explained the situation.

"Keith and I can do the cold rooms," Shiro volunteered.

"So can I," Pidge smirked. "I love the cold."

Coran beamed. "Excellent! Let's get started!" Lance and Hunk were dispatched to deal with two rooms that were scorching hot. Any Altean that walked in and stayed for more than a couple of dobash would be fried. The two humans, however, seemed perfectly content with the intense heat. They took their time repairing the temperature controls before darting to the next hotroom and repeating the procedure. The other three paladins were acting similar with the frozen rooms.

Finally, the three cold-loving humans returned. Lance and Hunk, however, were nowhere to be seen. Pidge snorted and ran a scan, locating the two in the last malfunctioning room.

"Of course," Pidge growled. "They fell asleep."

"Are they dying?!" Coran shrieked in panic.

"Well, the rooms have been abnormally cool," Shiro mused. "They're probably enjoing the warmth. Aren't they both from tropic islands?" Pidge looked at the ground.

"I forgot that," they admitted. Keith shrugged.

"I have experience with the desert heat. I could go fix that room," he volunteered. Coran shook his head.

"Let's let them have the heated room. If they need the heat, they can have it," the advisor decided. "It'll be healthier for them if they're used to the higher temperatures." Shiro nodded.

"Maybe we can make it more comfortable for them later," he added. "In the meantime, I'm going to go tell Allura the castle's back to normal temperatures." The black paladin left the control room. After a bit, Keith and Pidge smirked and darted off, leaving Coran alone to mark down his newest discoveries.

* * *

All the beings who had met Lance remembered him as having a care-free, happy-go-lucky, flirty type of personality. Keith had long since given up mentioning how serious Lance could get because his only reference was when Lance had shot Sendak. However, the paladins had split into groups to deal with an invasion on a new planet. Lance and Coran were left to defend the castle, but Rover soon whirred to them, panicking. On an instinct, the two followed Rover to where the Galra had the others tied up and severely wounded. Shiro looked like he was having a flashback. Pidge was unconscious. Allura was still struggling, to no avail. Hunk clearly had been giving the Galra the most trouble, because he was tied up and beaten the worst.

Coran looked like he was going to run in, but Lance held him back. "Wait until I give the signal," he hissed, creeping closer to the camp. He slowly raised his rifle before lowering it and grabbing a dagger laying near him. Silently, he rose to his feet and walked into the camp.

"Lance!" Allura called. "Get out of here! Go back to the castle!" Lance ignored her as the Galra froze.

"His face," Keith whispered. "Look at his face." Allura craned her neck, recoiling in fear. Lance's expression was apocalyptic. The Galra started backing up cautiously. The blue paladin snarled, and the Galra full-on retreated. Every nerve in Allura's body was telling her to run and get away from him. If she hadn't have known better, she wouldn't have been able to recognize Lance. This Lance was so different then the Lance who flirted non-stop with just about anything that moved. Coran moved in and cut the others down. Lance threw the knife on the ground and helped pick up Hunk, who was limping. Keith grabbed Pidge, and Coran offered a hand to Allura. Shiro numbly followed the group. He didn't seem capable of processing what was happening at the moment. All the way back, Lance was silent and stone-faced. It was only after he and Coran got everyone into a healing pod that he relaxed, leaning down against the wall to wait silently. Coran left to go update his guide once more now that he'd observed something about the humans.

* * *

 _Coran's Guide to Understanding Your Humans_

 _8\. Humans sneeze frequently and for multiple different reasons. The type of sneeze varies depending on the human in question._

 _9\. Some humans thrive better in higher or lower temperatures. This changes depending on where the human is from._

 _10\. Beware infuriating a human. You will regret it._

* * *

 **Hello everyone! I've uploaded this earlier because I had more time to type today. Instead of the usual two prompts, I attempted to cover three because I didn't want to overextend them but I wanted to reach 1000 words per chapter. Without that last prompt, it was at 913 words XD There will probably be a continuation to the rage prompt, by the way.**

 **All your suggestions so far are amazing! If there's something you want to see, be it prompt or fluffy moment, feel free to let me know and I'll try my best. Thank you all for your kind reviews as well, they really help motivate me to keep going! Back to writing I go, and I'll see you all tomorrow! ^^**


	5. Mario Kart and Author's Note

Here's a short chapter as an apology for not uploading, and an explanation is in the Author's Note below! ^^

* * *

Allura rushed into the common room at a scream of rage. She was fairly certain Shiro had been the one who yelled, but the black paladin almost never yelled like that. Keith and Pidge were cackling loudly as Shiro continued to shout. The princess pulled up short as she saw the paladins clustered around a screen, shouting at each other.

"So, what's all this about?" Allura asked irritably. Lance was the first to glance up.

"We're playing Rainbow Road in Mario Kart," the blue paladin replied. He turned back to the screen in time for Hunk to groan sadly as he fell off the track.

"I'M LOSING MY MIND!" Shiro roared as he fell off as well. Lance giggled as he took second place. Pidge was in first, unsurprisingly, Keith was in second, Shiro was fourth, and Hunk was both fifth and off the map again. Finally, the group finished their race. Shiro threw the controller and stood up, scowling.

"Never. Again." he hissed, walking off. Hunk groaned and wandered away to the kitchens to start on dinner. Lance followed his larger friend. Keith and Pidge were too busy snickering, leading Allura to go find Coran to jot down a new observation.

* * *

 _Coran's Guide to Understanding Your Humans_

 _11\. Humans are never to play 'Mario Kart' as it leads to unpredictable mood swings in most cases_

* * *

 **! It's been a bit, and I'm sorry. First I got distracted by Camp Camp, then, when I was about to return to google docs to continue work on two different chapters, my highschool deleted all the graduate's Gmail accounts with no warning. Including mine. Meaning, all the work I did went down the drain. All two thousand words. Then, when I went to type this thing in fanfictions writer, my computer crashed. Thankfully, saved my skin and around half the chapter. So, I'm going to take another small break while I try to transfer all my accounts to my backup email and hope like crazy they still work. I'm really sorry about this! While I was here, though, I realized I'd counted number 5 twice! So, I fixed all the chapters to have the correct numbers ^^**

 **Thank you for all your kind reviews and for sticking around, even with the hiatus! I will definitely update soon!**

 **On another note: I might be writing a Camp Camp one shot, so keep an eye out for that if you like the show**


	6. Brain Farts, Dinosaurs, and Helping

"Lance, can you go get Hunk?" Allura asked. "I need to ask him a question about human diets."

"Sure. I warn you though, some of those diets are pretty crazy," Lance shrugged. He trotted out of the control room, heading for the kitchen. Allura pulled up the cameras to monitor the castle, narrowing her eyes when she saw Lance enter the kitchen, pause, and walk back out. The blue paladin walked about halfway back to the control room before raising a hand in a victorious pose, turning back towards the kitchen. Just a few steps back, he slumped in confusion. He turned back towards the control room before turning back towards the kitchen, pausing in the entrance. He said something to Hunk, looking frustrated. Hunk laughed before walking over to his friend and following him to the control room.

"Allura, what did you want me to tell Hunk?" Lance asked with a blank face.

"Brain farts are great," Hunk snickered. "I told you to write these things down. Your phone has infinite battery thanks to Pidge, I know you always have it on you, and you still refuse to write things down."

"NEVER!" Lance howled jokingly, charging out of the control room. Allura turned to Hunk. The yellow paladin giggled.

"It's a thing where we randomly lose and gain memory repeatedly. It's really stupid and keeps happening to Lance," he explained. "Sometimes he never remembers what he was going to do. Usually, retracing his steps helps." Allura nodded, already jotting it down in Altean shorthand, which was like Altean, but near impossible to decipher until one knew the inner workings of the language. She was definitely making sure this made it into Coran's guide.

* * *

Lance slowly crept forward, holding up the device Pidge had made for him. The tech genius was standing behind a corner, watching to see the results. Hunk had no idea what was coming. Lance stifled a snicker. Just another second. He pressed the button.

The very loud roar of a T-Rex sounded right behind Hunk's left ear. The yellow paladin shrieked and whipped out his Bayard, shooting at where the rex would be -if there was one. The other paladins and the Alteans rushed into the kitchen to see what was going on. Shiro's Galra hand was glowing as he prepared to help Hunk.

"Okay, what's going on?" Keith asked, shoving his way forwards. Lance was laughing too hard to answer, so he just hit the button again. As the sound faded and his teammates relaxed, he hit the button twice in a row, prompting the terrible harmonica cover of the Jurassic Park theme to play. As it played, Hunk started to giggle. Shiro snickered.

"Welcome to Jurassic Park," he quipped. "And then terrible harmonica instead of the great music." Allura shot him a confused look.

"What is Jurassic Park, and what were those roars?" she asked. "Those sounded like they came from a large beast."

"Pidge! Pull up that hologram you were working on!" Lance cheered. The green paladin smirked.

"Already ahead of you," they replied, typing something into their laptop. "To the windows!" Lance was already running for the control room, followed closely by Hunk. The rest followed at a more sedate pace. Although the humans were definitely moving faster than the Alteans. Once everyone was inside the control room, the Jurassic Park theme song started up. Allura and Coran glanced around suspiciously at the slightly dangerous sounding notes.

A quiet gasp from Lance had everyone staring out the window. A herd of Brachiosaurus was plodding past the window. Pidge had gotten the hologram to look so realistic. One of the brachios glanced down at them as it passed. The brachios were soon exchanged for a pack of Utahraptors, Velociraptors, and Deinonychus running around inside the control room. The marvelous display continued with several different species of dinosaurs appearing inside and outside of the windows. Lance grinned with anticipation at the end. Finally, the T-Rex from the movies appeared, letting out its classic roar. The paladins whooped.

Allura looked unnerved. "Are those things still around?" she finally asked.

"Nah, they all died out like 65 million years ago," Hunk shrugged. "But everyone knows that song. You play it on Earth and people go nuts humming along. And everyone knows what dinos are. Pretty much, most people would kill for a pet dino." Allura frowned, but motioned for Coran to be prepared to mark this down.

* * *

"Hey, hey, calm down," Lance hummed to the creature he was slowly approaching. It looked about like if a horse was a carnivore, with some tree mixed in. The paladin inched closer, pausing as the beast snapped at him.

"Lance, what's going on?" Shiro asked through the comms.

"A creature got hit by a Galra blast. I'm trying to slap this healing goop on it, but he's angry, aren't you, buddy?" Lance replied in the same calming tone of voice. The creature kicked out with one of its hooves, catching him in the shoulder. "Now that's not very nice," the paladin soothed. "Lemme get you out of here." He pulled out the canister of healing salve, wriggling to stand beside the thrashing beast. It roared as he gently rubbed the salve on its wounds. Lance jumped back as it rose to its hooves again, shaking itself cautiously. It glanced back at Lance before blinking. The beast seemed to nod before it galloped into the forest, making the blue paladin grin as he ran back into the fight.

"Why did you do that?" Allura asked him after he was back on the castle. Lance shrugged.

"It was hurt, and I could help," he replied casually. "It was so happy to be helped!" Allura groaned to herself before opening Coran's guide.

* * *

 _Coran's Guide to Understanding Your Humans_

 _12\. Humans have random memory loss, which often remedies itself shortly. However, a written note should be sent, if possible, to ensure the message gets through efficiently_

 _13\. Humans are fascinated with ancient reptiles that could easily kill them, to the point they are willing to fight each other for one_

 _14\. Humans will risk their lives to assist other creatures for no reward_

* * *

 **AN: So... I see CHAOS in the fandom right now. Should I add to it? Mwehehehe**

 **I finally got my stuff back, and set up a new YouTube account so I can start a new playlist, so we good now ^^Also, yesterday saw the start of my Camp Camp fic, so if ya like that goofy show, check it out! It's fun for me to just kick back and spend maybe twenty/thirty minutes on this story, but I did have a vague idea for another fic. If I can get that to flesh out, I'll let you all know ^^**

 **Your reviews are all so nice. I love getting to read them, so keep commenting, even if it's just a keyboard smash or another idea XD And, thank you to the anon RandomNicePerson for the Jurassic Park idea!**


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